Robert N. Lee

The Bestest White House Petitions of the Week

In a move at least as notably online-savvy as Something Awful’s hilariously successful flame war-based business model, the Obama White House started its own online petition system this month. If you don’t know why that’s funny, I do not want to argue with you about it. Go create and sign some petitions or throw rocks at ducks at the park or do something else equally useful with your time.

Number one, naturally, is make pot legal at the moment, which is totally going to happen, right after the President shuts down Guantanamo and ends our bullshit wars in the Middle East and gets his face out of BP’s lap. In fact, three of the top ten petitions are that same petition. Actually, you’ll find about seventy-five variations on the same petition in the top one hundred, all of them submitted by the same stoner, different days, I suppose. I have not found the “Abolish Yourselves” petition, yet. But there are some doozies, anyway…

Abolish the TSA, and use its monstrous budget to fund more sophisticated, less intrusive counter-terrorism intelligence.

Er…the TSA doesn’t do “counter-terrorism intelligence.” They pat people down and take naked pictures of them at airports. The point of this petition is…abolish the TSA and give its budget to the NSA? I guess?

Stop Animal Homelessness at Its Roots

“Animal homelessness.” Really. Oh, and apparently this has something to do with PETA, because they want all pets to have homes. In reality, of course, PETA believes pet ownership is literally slavery, and nobody who belongs to PETA can figure out why anybody on earth would be offended by that statement. They want all the dogs and cats in the world spayed and neutered so there aren’t any dogs and cats anymore, just lions and wolves as coequal citizen next door neighbors to humans. Next up: The Cow, Goose and Bobcat Equal Employment Opportunity Act.

crack down on puppy mills.

Pretty definitively not a federal issue, and definitely not in the purview of the USDA.

Give States the Freedom to Establish Their Own Marijuana Laws

They already have that freedom. The President just doesn’t give a shit. Sorry if you thought he was kewl like that, he isn’t.

Remove tax exemption from churches and allow them to apply like a non-profit organization

Uh, they already do “apply like a non-profit organization,” that’s how they get the tax-exempt status. The 501(c) category of tax exempt nonprofits is pretty big, and includes…well, animal welfare groups, for starters. The more you know…

Protect Children from Dangerous Air Pollution

Just kids, though. The rest of us can choke and die.

protect consumers, create jobs and generate revenue by licensing and regulating online poker.

The petition actually says the US should regulate this “industry” all over the world. Also, uh…job creation? There isn’t even a physical casino to pitch, here, so you can promise all the locals dishwashing jobs. Weak.

formally acknowledge an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race – Disclosure.

You mean like in that Dave Chappelle skit about Deep Impact? Okay, sure. Wait…this is that same guy who put up all the marijuana petitions…

Make Bribing Politicians Illegal.


prohibit all federal agencies from promoting, endorsing, or funding fluoridation of the public drinking water.

Yep, this golden oldie will never die…

Try Casey Anthony in Federal Court for Lying to the FBI Investigators

Um…she didn’t. She lied to local cops, and she was already convicted of a few crimes based on that.

Allow BASE Jumping in National Parks

Look no further for proof all BASE jumpers were dropped on their heads as infants.

Proclaim Oct. 29, 2011, as World Psoriasis Day

More wild overreach…I know it might seem like it, sometimes, but…he’s not President of the World.

Anyway…enough of that.