Kids Eat the Darnedest Things In the Fevered Imaginings of Adults.

So apparently this is this year’s “Rainbow Parties”/”Jenkem” local news scare story about what the kids are up to.

“The gummies are soaked in vodka in a refrigerator for several days so the candies absorb the liquor. While you may think the teen is having a sweet treat, they may very well be getting drunk.

“David Burkett is a drug counselor and was shocked to learn about the trend.

“‘The problem with teens and alcohol today is that it seems to be more accessible to them. There doesn’t seem to be as much parental controls as there once were or was so it seems to be escalating more and more,’ Burkett said.

“Police departments are now warning parents of the danger. Mothers Against Drunk Drivers of North Texas released this statement saying they are “concerned to hear about any alcohol consumption by those under age 21. MADD urges parents to use this opportunity to talk with their kids about the dangers of underage drinking.”

Just a couple points:

1. It takes several days to a week for gummy things to absorb the alcohol fully, as you can easily discern from looking up “vodka gummy bears.” Anywhere.

HEY, KID: if you’re sixteen and have a stealth bottle of vodka, just go to the park and drink it with your friends. Pour it in a water bottle, maybe. There’s a lot less chance you’ll get caught doing that than hiding that bottle of vodka full of candy in your room for a week.

2. The resulting boozy bears are about twice as big and eighty times as mushy as when they went into the vodka. They have to be refrigerated when you’re not passing a dish of them around or they turn into a puddle of boozy goo.

KID: Seriously, do not even think about putting those things in the fridge. Your dad is going to eat one.

3. You also have to soak the damn things in juice or something for a few days after the vodka if you don’t want them to smell like booze and taste pretty foul, especially to total lightweights like teens, presumably. That sounds like some awesome stealth intoxication material: handfuls of stinky goop that makes you gag and barf. Just eat ’em in class, teach’ll never catch on!

KID: It does sound like a good thing to tell your stupidest friend he should totally do while you’re drunk, though.

Leave a Reply